Mouth noises

My officemate who is back from a week in Paris (I believe. We don't speak, but I've overheard) is making disgusting noises with her mouth. It sounds like she is gnawing on a chicken bone, with lots of spit. Yesterday, maybe irritated about being back at work, she slammed the door coming and going each time. Reentered the room at one point and said "who touched my desk?!"--real mean and accusatory-like. It was the IT guys trying to install the printer. Those vignettes are tangential, let us return to the bane of my existence, the mouth noise. Whether this is chewing with ones mouth open, wet, gross gum chewing noises, sucking of the teeth, sucking of something else, slurping, whatever. It gives me this weird visceral reaction, blind anger and irrational response/need to flee. This all, of course, can be blamed on my mother who, from an early age, firmly chastised me for "smacking my gum." Not unlike the shape of her eyes, she passed down to me her pet peeve. I first get annoyed which usually quickly turns to anger when I think about how egregious the mouth noise-making is. You think your right to eat carrots trumps mine to watch TV without carrot-chewing? You think everyone on this subway car should be impressed with what a big bubble you can blow? I am livid. In my head, the person is completely aware of how angry and miserable they are making me, intentionally choosing loud chewing over my ability to retain self-control. It becomes a war. Sometimes I leave the room, that side of the subway car. Sometimes I curse them and everyone they've ever met, make dramatic physical threats in my head. Sometimes, also in my head, I just say disparaging things about the way they were raised and their entire value system. It's amazing how close gum smackers can come to raping bigoted conservativechristian republican miserly monstrous ugly stupid nazis.
I was feeling a little crazy about all of this until reading in my subscription copy of FHM magazine about some musician who cites as one of 5 influences that produced his new album, his annoyance with mouth noises. People like me can be famous. I then decided to be pro-active about it and wanted to make stickers to post in the subways. They would be a cartoon of a mom, in rollers and a housedress. Like in the comic strip Sylvia and she'd be saying "Chew with your mouth closed!" So people could look around the train and remember their manners. Then again, people don't give up seats to pregnant ladies or old people and there are signs about that...Now I date someone who shares my hate of mouth noises, we can commiserate about the inappropriateness of other people. Unfortunately, he one-ups me and also detests chair-kickers. This is troublesome as I feel myself adopting the stance of that peeve, too. I can't handle another one. Motherfucking dirty stinking bigfooted ugly hateful klansmen....