Yesterday I received an official rejection from a clerkship that I had allowed myself to really, really want. I already knew that I was not going to be chosen, as the window for a positive outcome had passed, but the rejection letter was the final nail, as it were. This clerkship was a long shot, and I perhaps should not have raised my hopes, but once I was chosen for an interview, I started to think, "maybe, just maybe, I can get this." Naturally, I am disappointed.
Worse, though, than being rejected, is that I have firsthand knowledge (via eavesdropping) that a person I truly detest was choses for one of these coveted clerkships. She is the kind of person that is a "close aquaintance" -- I have shared pitchers of beer with her in a small group. Yet, everytime I see her, she obviously and purposely ignores me. She is the sort of girl I disliked and distrusted in high school, and apparently whose high-school-like personality outlasts the Danceline trophies.
While the sting of rejection has already begun to fade, I am left with a bad taste in my mouth. I am not so concerned with bad things happening to good people. I think that is inevitable. What I find so infuriating is when good things happen to bad people -- more specifically, I do not understand how smart people in respectable positions can be tricked into thinking that snide, stupid, immature, and unkind people are the best choice for a job/clerkship/relationship. I have seen several instances of this phenomenon throughout the years, but this time it has really hit home.
Call me petty or jealous. Maybe that's part of it. But, it's also something more than that. It's a fundamental disappointment that even the brightest and most respectable people can be fooled into choosing bad people for good things.
Of course, one boy in my high school "Theory of Knowledge" class said that bad things only happen to bad people. Maybe I am bad for not sending best wishes to my secret nemesis. But I didn't think that kid in high school was right back then and I don't think he's right now. Bad things happen to good people. And more often than I like, good things happen to bad people.
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3 comments:
dude, i totally feel you. i think it's because those people exude a certain strain of cockiness that seems to trick the world or the interviewer into believing for a moment that the world is black and white and that confidence and sucess only go to the worthy. whereas you, as a conciencious person, are capable of recognizing that you, like everyone else is both talented and flawed and that you dont always get what you deserve. and your empathy and kindess and complexity and worth belie the truth that the whole world is gray and that the decision they make is complicated and somewhat arbitrary. its easier to take the snotty bitch because her bitchiness is the mark of a false hierarchy they need to believe in in order to get up in the morning.
Thank you, Lily.
Shades of gray, indeed.
Today a good, decent man was released from prison because of a habeas corpus petition I prepared and argued. It reminded me about balance- to appreciate the rise and gradual fall of daily victories.
All we can do in these kinds of situations-- assume she has/wish for her, a vaccuous and meaningless social life. In inability to have any profound relationship. It makes you feel *a little* better.
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