Ugly Naked Guy

The apartment building that sits on the east side of Third Avenue between 87th and 88th streets is huge. I count 33 floors from my office window across the street. Most of the windows have the blinds drawn during the day, but there are a few that stay open and give us the pleasure of witnessing certain parts of the daily routines of the inhabitants. There's a woman somewhere between floors 15 and 20 who always hangs out the window to shake out a red rug. There's a guy on the 4th floor, the only floor with balconies, who likes to sit outside and work on his laptop. There's a lady on 9 or 10 who puts on either blue or red workout shorts, a sports bra, and a sweatband to do a solid 30 minutes on the elliptical machine that sits right in front of the window next to a huge fan. Her dedication to her exercise doesn't appear to be paying off, as my officemates never fail to point out. And then there is the naked guy. He's fat. He's hairy. He has several tattoos. And man, does he love being naked. He leans out the window and smokes cigarettes naked. He leans out the window and talks on his cell phone naked. He'd probably leave his apartment to get a soy energy drink at the Wildgreen cafe underneath his building naked if he could. His belly is a perfect sphere that rests on the window sill. Until yesterday the extend of his nudity wasn't exactly certain. He could presumably have been wearing a thong or low-riding boxer-briefs. But now I and my coworkers--two middle-aged women and a strapping young man--know better. Sadly, this was the most exciting thing that happened in my day.

Good God

"Freedom is not America's gift to the world, it is the Almighty God's gift to every man and woman in this world." -- George W. Bush

Pat v. Hugo

I think this "firestorm" over Pat Robertson wanting the U.S. to assasinate Hugo Chavez is amazing. It's really one of those "we couldn't make this up, folks" events. I mean, by saying it, he makes it impossible to be done. Then again, you can't put anything past these dudes. Below are some choice bits from today's NY Times article about it:

"Mr. Rumsfeld dismissed Mr. Robertson's remark on assassination, saying: 'Certainly it's against the law. Our department doesn't do that type of thing.'"

Oh, really? Since when?

"The Rev. Jesse Jackson called for the Federal Communications Commission to investigate, just as it did when Janet Jackson's breast was exposed in the Super Bowl broadcast in 2004. 'This is even more threatening to hemispheric stability than the flash of a breast on television during a ballgame,' Mr. Jackson said."

I think I see their line of reasoning here... Ms. Jackson's breast is rather threatening to hemispheric stability... just as blowjobs and infidelity make an unfit president. Thank goodness we're saved, having been delivered into the hands of those advocating secret assasinations of democratically elected leaders and endless war.

The Internet is Not Squeamish

So I've been living with my girlfriend in the same apt. in Oakland since we moved here 3 years ago (which is a crazy thing to be able to say) And in that time we've both developed a lot of digestive problems, some similar, some not, but basically we're both in pain a lot now and weren't before. You'd think, oh well maybe you're both eating crap, but we have very different diets so I always thought it was just a coincidence. (Anyways, is it just me, or does everyone you know have IBS these days? Like seriously, what the hell is going on? How come everybody's in pain? Seriously.) But so a while ago I started noticing that sometimes our bathroom sink water would have lots of strange black flakes in it. It freaked me out a lot and I kept saying 'huh we should call our landlord or something' but I'm lazy I guess and didn't. We finally got a contractor to check out a lot of things in our house recently and while investigating the mysterious black crap, he discovered that in fact it was ALL our water and that our hot water heater was filled with this greasy black tar.

This freaks me out to no end, but he seemed to be not very excited about it, nor was my doctor who said that it wasn't the cause of my problems. Which actually is really annoying cause what the hell is?

Anyways, convinced that my insides were covered in tar, I started combing the web for holistic/herbal type things to cleanse my digestive tract (cause, what else do you have to do?) and my GOD, I stumbled into a world of frank poo talk that truly knocked my socks off. People do some crazy shit to their bodies! After a couple sites, I became convinced that what I really needed was to take Charcoal (Yes, charcoal. As in, the black shit at the bottom of your fireplace. They sell pills at Walgreens.) to absorb all the toxins in my body. [ Word to the wise, do NOT take charcoal pills. You will NOT feel better.] And that was even the mildest of them all. One holistic doctor had people swallowing copious amounts of Epsom Salts (which are normally used for baths and soaks) while another describe in GREAT detail the detriments of intestinal "plaque" which can weigh like 10 or 20 pounds, and actually had actual photos of the end results of their $95 dollar detox kit. NOT for the faint of hearts. That one actually scarred me for life.

It makes me wonder though. We rely for the most part on western medicine and when we do venture into the unknown world of homeopathy its usually for the basics - acupuncture, acupressure, etc. Most western doctors scoff at the idea of intestinal plaque or charcoal therapy, but what if medical history had been different? Are those things so crazy? I don't know. The internet is scary. Part of me wished there was a more consistent system of Peer Reviewed Sites so that I wouldn't have spent the better part of last week doubling over in charcoal-induced pain, but then who's to say that taking random over the counter stomach medicines are any less crazy than Epsom salts? Maybe we do actually have 10 pounds of crud lining the walls of our intestines. I don't know!

Google this.

My new favorite google search that brought someone in cyberspace to us:

naked studets school girls photo

Misspellings are author's own.

God bless the internet for bringing people together.

New York Belongs in the Developing World

Evidence:
Hot and muggy summers. Stinks. Polluted. Women wearing skintights clothes with various strategic holes cut in them for fashion's sake. People sell batteries on public transportation. People sell cotton candy on the subway. Other people buy this shit. The New York City Subway is not that of the cultural capital of a developed nation. Period. Citizens regularly coexist with rats and roaches. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there's anything like zoning-- stores are randomly subdivided. Designer knockoff sunglasses are sold out of former ice cream windows. Most times everywhere smells like warm pee. The power goes out. The power browns out. The water gets contaminated because of too much rain. The new bay window in the building next door to our apartment was installed on the second floor with an elaborate system of pulleys, a rope and a good old fashioned "heave-ho" by 15 chinese men. Barely anyone has a car. People are inappropriately bringing animals into stores and onto public transportation, nevermind that it's a floofy dog and not a chicken. There are whole dead animals hanging in windows. There are few real grocery stores. People carry all of their shit everywhere.
Anyone have any more?

Because I'm a statistician at heart. And also bored.

Top ten pink words to be found on this blog:
1. room
2. home
3. car
3. free
5. money
5. gift
7. boyfriend
7. google
7. video/video games
7. diamonds

Yesterday I went to the Dentist

So I've never really understood peoples' aversion to the dentist. I had gone to Dr. O my entire life and he can be credited for the shiny chops I grin to the world. Upon moving to New York, and procrastinating for over a year, I went to a dentist in Brooklyn last December (the "all my life" dentist of a friend and hi family.) I was heavily shamed due to my plaque buildup and the hygienist claiming I don't floss. Which is ironic, because I actually do floss regularly. "Every day?" she asked. "Well, no, but 5-6 days per week..." which I consider "every day." That dentist made me come back for a second appointment to finish the cleaning and the whole thing cost over $300. Most of which was paid for by insurance, $80 or so paid for by me.
Let me amend not understanding peoples' aversion to the dentist to not understanding it until YESTERDAY. Yesterday I go to this dental factory across the street from City Hall. They have a floor of a building, 16 exam rooms, a bevy of folks wandering around who are hygienists, xray technicians, dentists, etc. I saw the dentist before the cleaning, she looked at my xrays and asked me to open up. For about 6 seconds she looked in my mouth, moving my lips and gums with her fingers. Then said, "Ok, looks great. See you in six months." And gave me a high five.
So this was weird and I wanted to ask her, "um, I mean, I'm no dentist, but shouldn't you be poking all of my teeth with a sharp metal stick? Or something?!?"
I was moved into another room for a cleaning. After waiting a very long time, this man who was creepy in the way that Phillip Seymour Hoffman is creepy in Magnolia (maybe it was just the outfit?), comes in a says "I'll be doing your cleaning." He then proceeds to make the next 6-8 minutes the most painful and miserable I can immediately recall. He is forceful, careless and it feels violent. He sprays water all over my face and my mind detaches from my body as I try to concentrate on how soon it will be over based on how many teeth he has assaulted. He used a water-pik-like thing and the grinder/polisher. Again, no metal stick for scraping.
And then it was over and he said, "ok, you're done." And I kind of stared at him, face completely wet and mouth full of blood. I ran away and felt like crying. I could have achieved the same effect my brushing my teeth too hard until they bled. Gross. And they still aren't clean.
Today my teeth hurt and I finally understand why America, indeed the world, hates going to the dentist.

New Entry in the "weird things people want to do with their dead relatives' remains" File

So there are multiple ways of making a synthetic diamond. Most of them start out with a little diamond nugget and use some sort of technology and carbon to grow a diamond, like growing a cultured pearl. One of these technologies is called a "memorial" diamond and the carbon used comes from the remains of your loved one... how weird is that? And check out the company's website... "because love lives on"
http://www.lifegem.com/

God is Smiling... and so am I

So I have no money. This always happens, I don't know how (um... credit card debt, oppressive amounts of student loans and a penchant for Thai food that I don't make and vacation may have something to do with it...) but this isn't the point. I have $16 in my checking account until Friday... but this isn't a sob story. Today I reached into the pocket of the pants I wore to work, which I haven't worn in a while... and found a $20 bill.
I don't know how I misplaced it (maybe losing $20 and not realizing is why I run out of money?) but the fact remains... I needed it and I got it. And not like a $5, which would have been nice, but a whole $20. Thanks, dude. I wonder if this works for other things...
I really need a tiara...

Bad Ideas

Lately it seems that people are running out of ideas. I am sick of hearing about a lot of things: hurricanes and floods that always wreak havoc on the same towns, famous 17- to 25-year-old women who become very skinny in an unreasonable amount of time, and suicide bombers, to name a few. But at least most of these trends can be chalked up to complex social pressures and/or forces of nature. What I am REALLY sick of are baseball players who use performance-enhancing drugs and Catholic priests who sexually abuse children. I guess for these particular issues, we are currently in a sort of grace period when the culprits are often getting into trouble well after the fact—at the time of the crime, they could conceivably have convinced themselves that they might not get caught. So in some way, while there is no question that they are perverts or cheaters, they might not necessarily be stupid (if you define stupid as not learning anything from the mistakes of those around you). But from now on, anyone who is found to have commited the above offenses at any point after the year 2003 should serve time not only for the lives they ruined but for being dumb and uncreative.

Please note that I am not putting steroid-abusers in the same category of child-abusers. Canseco, Palmeiro, Giambi, et al, are only directly hurting themselves (indirectly, of course, they are hurting their wives, children, and above all, the fans. THE FANS!!) while sexually abusive priests are doing permanent psychological damage to young people. My point is only that if you’re going to make headlines getting into some kind of trouble, can’t you be a little more original? If you play professional sports, don’t do drugs. If you are a religious leader, don’t have sexual relationships with kids. If you are a politician, don’t sleep with your intern. If you are a dentist, don’t have an affair with the hygienist. If you are a washed-up celebrity, don’t make a reality TV show. It’s all just so cliché.

I’m also sick of Brad and Angelina, but for different reasons.