I am beginning to believe in a higher power. It wasn't the trip to Israel this month that did it, although the moment on shabbat looking out over the dome of the rock and the church of the holy sepulchre with the sound of the call to prayer drifting over the old city in stereo from mosques did make it seem like all of these people might know something I don't. But what turned me was the feeling lately that someone, somewhere was beginning to think I was feeling too cocky and I needed to be brought down a notch. Or, at an even more basic level-- that somebody has been paying attention. Examples from my recent existence:
In Israel I got in a yelling argument with someone on our trip, which let loose a self-righteous flood of rage that culminated in my bringing up the fact that he had spent the second day of the trip vomiting on the bus due to a vodka-drinking contest with a Russian the night before. Man, was I self-righteous. I spent most of the next day vomiting.
Also in Israel, I spoke with Juliet about how I felt like I really needed to experience heartbreak before I settle down with one person forever. Meanwhile, I spoke confidently about my relationship. I came home and within 24 hours had been dumped.
This fall, I had started to feel cocky about law school, like maybe at some level I was better than some schools. Or that I'd be considered a stronger candidate than the numbers suggest. And then those schools started to reject, wait-list and defer me.
There are other examples that don't come to mind right now, of me saying or thinking things only to be squarely contradicted by what seem like pointed changes in reality. Like someone is trying to tell me something.
The journal I'm using now I started on Valentine's Day 2004 and every page was filled ending last night, Valentine's Day 2006. I did a little personal retrospective on these past two years and more and more things seemed to be getting tied up, coming full circle; its all happening very cleanly. Not that breakups and arguments and rejection are clean, but it's falling into place like someone is planning this.
On the last day of the Israel trip, the dreamboat guide had us all write out postcards that he will mail to us, to send ourselves a little message about what we want ourselves to remember that we'd learned, realized or changes we intended to make. My postcard was about the realization that after being completely removed from everyday life for 10 days, I realized that my life is more than the sum of its components. After spending so much mental energy on relationships, jobs and law school, it was both freeing and terrifying to think about my life as being more than all of those things put together. And then I came home and a lot of those things shifted.
This whole weird, hard time brings a lot of maxims to mind-- be careful what you wish for, what goes around comes around, don't get too comfortable. It's weird. I don't know what's going on... but I'm putting it on the internet to say:
OK, I HEAR YOU.
Now if I could only figure out what they're trying to say...
I hope this doesn't mean I'm losing my mind.
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2 comments:
Interesting that you should need a new journal just as you are experiencing a certain amount of heartbreak. Also seems planned. Nothing gets my pen going like a breakup. This has led to some acceptable poems("You are like a neon light..."), ridiculous poems ("I am a beautiful woman..."), abstract drawings, a few R & B songs. But that was before Friendster. That was before What Else Do You Have To Do. Now that I have a desk job, I spend much more time stalking and venting. And with the arrival of g-chat, I see a bright future in having the ability to instantly stalk and then vent.
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