OH, my ovaries.

After many years of lesbian domesticity, I recently joined the ranks of the boygirl sex world. While I'd previously dated boys (ok fine, boy singular but he was so overwhelming I'd like to think I've been with many) its been many years since getting my period signaled a flood of relief throughout my being that I would not have to put my pro-choice politics to work. While I'd always been aware of how lucky I was in that respect, it's only now that I've come to understand just how lucky I was. Not only is straight sex is way more expensive than gay sex, it demands way more preparation and upkeep. It's really truly ridiculous.

Since I'm relatively new to the world of contraceptives, I thought I'd throw in my two cents. Cause I mean, what else do I have to do? It is commonly understood that the available forms of contraceptives out there are a pitiful offering. Even under a gay rock, I shared in the common rage and frustration. How many times have you heard some poor dear lament, "How the hell is it possible that in the year 2007, with all the medical and technological feats that have been made, we are really no further to ever getting decent birth control?! Why are they working endlessly on creating never-ending erections and getting horses to give birth to cloned sheep, and not putting a little more thought into something that we really fucking need!? Why is it so expensive? Why is the responsibility and the expense all on the woman? Why do all the options suck? Why is it ok for my health insurance to not cover this? How come its legal for pharmacists to not sell me my prescription on personal grounds? Why do I have to put my hormones, my emotional health, my weight, my physical health and my few hard earned dollars on the line? How is it possible that the same government that is steadily dismantling Roe v. Wade is also making it harder for me to protect myself from ever needing to make use of the law? What on earth!!!!!?"

I don't know the answers to most of those questions and I want to change it. But in the meantime, I want to make sure that I can change it, instead of changing diapers. Not including the rhythm method and plain old prayer, we're looking at 6 options:

1) condoms
2) pill
3) patch
4) shot
5) ring
6) iud

Since condoms are really annoying when you're only sleeping with one person, that's off the list, so really it's 5 options. First off, the pill. Many people are quite content with the hormonal route and to them I say "goddamn i am jealous." But having learned the hard way with a brief but crappy flirtation with ortho-tricyclin, hormonal methods of birth control are not for everyone. Nevertheless, my problem with the pill goes beyond the emotional effects: it requires a level of daily responsibility that I am certainly not incapable of, but would rather not have to deal with. Remembering to take it each day at the right time? That's just annoying and causes a very low grade but constant level of vigilance and stress. I'm not having it. Plus, raise your hand if your partner has ever chipped in for your prescription co-pay. yeah.


The patch and the shot are more attractive in the daily upkeep department. But like the pill, they both work by making major alterations to your estrogen levels. If I could protect myself from pregnancy without gaining 30 pounds, getting countless y.i.'s, and sacrificing a certain level of emotional and mental stability, oh how I would. Many people can. Since I can't, that scratches off the patch and shot.

Leaving me with only 2 options: the ring or the iud. I prudently opted for the more temporary, less invasive and more technologically advanced option of the nuva ring. Since it too works by releasing hormones, I was initially quite anti-ring, but my doctor promised me that it was such a localized small dose that there was no way I'd be emotionally affected. A few weeks later, I'm waiting for a meeting with a psychiatrist to figure out why I've completely lost my mind. I assumed it was a separate chemical issue. But I'm looking online to find out if I'm the only one on the ring who has had her period for almost an entire month nonstop and lo and behold, a message board with dozens of women saying "WTF!? My doctor said it wouldn't affect my emotions, but why am i spiraling off into voids of anger and depression at random?" and I'm reading this and thinking, "um, hello lily! perhaps its time to cancel the psychiatric appointment?' So I scrapped both the ring and the psychiatrist, and slowly emerged from my hole of sadness. a few weeks later I am sane, but protectionless.

Which left me with one final option: the iud. So I did it. I feel so retro! I feel so sore! But I'm crossing my fingers that just this once protection could be easy and reliable. is that so much to ask? i think not. It certainly does not answer the questions of finance and inequality: 500 uninsured dollars paid entirely from my nonexistent salary. And while it promises 5 years of total ease, it was still one of the more painful procedures I've had done in my life. Still, I am hopeful. While it got a bad rap somewhere in the 80's, the negative rumors have been fairly unfounded and every doctor and article I've consulted has agreed that it is the most effective option out there and the simplest to use. So we shall see.

I suppose it's a bit odd that I've now shared the trials and tribulations of my uterus with a bunch of total strangers, but i feel like this is an issue that is often grappled with but rarely questioned. It's not enough to sit around with your lady friends saying, dude, this sucks. yeah, it does. yeah.

Because DUDE: this more than sucks. What on earth? I know I'm clearly on a very extreme end of the hormonal-sensitivity spectrum, but I wanted to offer my experiences because I'm pissed off and its not just pms. It's the whole goddamn system. Something has to change. What are we going to do about it?