Yes, this would be my second Britney-themed post

And yes, I do feel like a loser.

Nevertheless, I have to admit that I’ve been thinking about her a lot recently. By now, everyone’s seen the shaved head, the photos of her violently attacking paparazzi with an umbrella, the much gossiped-and-no-doubt-still-unconfirmed story of how she lost her shit in the mental ward, wrote 666 all over her bald head, ran around screaming that she was the antichrist, and then attempted to hang herself with her bed sheet. The general blog consensus is a mix of ‘oh poor brit!’ and “yeah THERE’s a shocker’. But I don’t mean I’ve been thinking of in a gawking gossiping kind of way. I mean, I’m suddenly sympathizing with her, I’m worried about her, I’m proud of her, and in a weird way, I’m jealous of her. (I’ll get to the jealousy later.)

As I write this it’s becoming instantly clear that I’m obviously projecting and that really this is all about me. but whatever. The point is, until she started unraveling, I really didn’t think about Britney, or care about her at all. I mean, sure I’d read little gossip clips about her, but with very minimal interest. And let me tell you, it doesn’t really take much to get me interested in crazy young famous people. The reason is that she just wasn’t real at all. Much like the Olson twins, she was so untouched by reality in her weird weird life that it was kind of hard to care. Like caring about the plight of a muppet. It’s fun to watch Oscar the Grouch be grouchy, but you don’t really care to learn what put him in such a bad mood, you know? But watching her destroy herself, she suddenly makes perfect sense to me:

She’s born into this crazy high pressure family, loves attention and pushes her self to succeed at a young age to the point where her whole identity and sense of self is based on everyone else approval. And then she starts hearing the negative feedback. At first she tries to appease the displeased, but it keeps just getting worse until she can’t take it anymore (this would be circa her first marriage, when she starts getting that ‘I’ve been up all night drinking champagne” gray flabby look about her face) so she finds a nobody (Kevin) and marries him as a kind of opt-out. Because she’d theoretically be going towards something (a family) instead of running away from something (her failure in the eyes of American media), even though ultimately all she wants to do is disappear. But America doesn’t buy it and revels in her absurdity. She says goodbye to her music fans, gets preggers (yet another opt out – this time escaping the body image judgment) and eats Twinkies to her hearts delight. She’s almost sort of kind of happy. Then she has the baby and the media makes fun of her more. So she instantly gets pregnant again to avoid the media wrath and again, she’s taunted.

As Jayden is born, her untalented husband makes a fool out of herself, and she’s barely even getting negative attention anymore let alone the adoration and lust that has sustained her self esteem for the past 2 decades. She gives one last ditch attempt at gaining back her media-fed dignity, by divorcing Kevin, losing a ton of weight really quick, and befriending a Hollywood starlet (Paris, although that’s not a really apt title for her). She gets some positive feedback but not enough, and she realizes that a piddling little “woah, check out Britney!” here and there isn’t worth the inner pain she’s created. She can’t sustain it. But she’s tried the opt-out clause and it didn’t work, so she does the only thing she can do to gain immunity: she gives up all responsibility and has a total breakdown and loses her shit. People can make fun of her, but they’re not really judging her because as a crazy mess, she’s un-judge-able. She’s just a sad story with a sad ending that we can pity and then forget.

Sorry, that was longer than intended.

So here’s the point: I get her. I’m so relieved that she lost her mind, that she didn’t just shut off her emotions and turn into a nightmarish automaton like Paris. She may be an absolute mess, but she’s a real mess, and that’s commendable. And the jealousy, I mean whatever – who doesn’t want a get out of jail free card? Maybe I’m alone here, but I hate being an adult, I hate the pressure that I put on myself, I hate trying to succeed, trying to find meaning and ultimately just feeling like I’ve failed. Most likely I will never let myself go completely, because its no vacation either, and its REALLY hard to pull yourself out of once you’re in (mostly because its hard to later change your mind and try to convince everyone else that you’re actually capable of sanity and success). But goddamn I want to. And maybe that makes me crazy. I’m pretty sure it does. Crazy enough for immunity though? Not so much.